Why Fencing is Better than Sex: - Even ugly fencers score regularly. - In fencing you have a coach to tell you what you're doing wrong, and you get to practice first before trying it out for real. - You can fence with strangers without getting a bad reputation and you don't have to spend $30 in the bar getting to know them first. - You are not being insulting if you insist that your partner wear a mask. - No one expects a fencing bout to last much longer than two minutes and you don't have to worry afterwards if the other fencer enjoyed it or not. - In fencing, you don't have to get your own equipment until you decide whether or not you like it. - You usually fence in a big, brightly lit room with lots of people in it.

- The person you're fencing with won't mind if your buddies stand around and cheer for you. - Whips are normal in fencing. - It doesn't hurt if someone steps on your foil. - It is almost impossible to catch a disease from a fencing foil. - You can play with your foil in public and no one will laugh. - If your foil gets a funny bend in it, all you have to do is run it under your foot a few times. - No one cares how long your foil is, and if it breaks you just go get a new one. - It is easy to get pretty girls to hold on to your foil. - Finally, and perhaps most significantly, in fencing, if your opponent doesn't come, you win.